"The warm and informative self-help book Carry On brims with supportive words for queer and trans people, drawing on scholarship, stories, and advice from activist Nillin Lore and others... It celebrates queer heroes in accessible, sometimes punchy language, and it notes that 'Choosing to be affirming, welcoming, uplifting, inspiring and caring in the face of all the adversity that we experience is a true fucking power move.' It even closes with five final affirmations. A compassionate self-help book, Carry On gathers advice from diverse role models on navigating contemporary queer life."—Meredith Grahl Counts, Foreword

“This book is like sitting down with a friend at 2 a.m. and having one of those real chats—you know, the ones that have you laughing, crying and reflecting all at the same time. Nillin takes you on a journey through all the challenges and barriers and beauty of being queer and trans, and they are your cheerleader every step of the way.”—Andrew Gurza, author of Notes From a Queer Cripple

“Whether you are trans, nonbinary, queer, or figuring it all out, Carry On is the supportive friend you need for journeying through life (while ensuring your baggage fits in the overhead compartment!). Nillin Lore offers vulnerable experiences and a gentle sense of humor throughout, alongside practical advice and useful resources. It is not only a guiding hand for those who personally resonate with the identities discussed, but also for those who (like me) want to better inform their solidarity with 2SLGBTQ+ loved ones.”—Kitty Stryker, author of Love Rebels: How I Learned to Burn It Down Without Burning Out

“An affirming, nurturing, generous-spirited handbook that will help many queer people navigate brutal political times."—Dr. Kit Heyam, author of Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender

“Let Mx. Nillin Lore guide you with humor, kindness, wisdom, and skill through the tricky landscape of navigating and unpacking internalized transphobia and queerphobia. In this book, they will take you on a journey weaving lived experiences, theory, and the kind of good advice that every trans and queer person deserves to have at the ready on their bedside table whenever the hate and systemic violence towards us starts to seep in through the cracks. Now more than ever we need the expansive breath of joy and authenticity that this book delivers so beautifully on such heavy topics."—Alex Iantaffi, therapist, author, and creator of the Gender Stories podcast

“For those who feel they are too much, or not enough, Lore offers insight, solidarity, and hope.”—TC Oakes-Monger, author of All The Things They Said We Couldn't Have: Stories of Trans Joy

“Carry On covers the heavy topics of internalised transphobia and queerphobia with grace and empathy. It is honest about the trauma that comes with being 2SLGBTQ+ in a hostile world while always remaining fiercely hopeful for the future.”—Kelvin Sparks, author of Trans Sex: A Guide for Adults

“Honest, practical, and deeply affirming, Carry On guides you through the messy, liberating work of decentering shame narratives and rebuilding inner safety. A must-read for 2SLGBTQ+ folks who want real tools, not platitudes.”—Rahim Thawer, MSW RSW, author of The Mental Health Guide for Cis and Trans Queer Guys

“As queer people, we are continuously surrounded by messaging that implies—subtly or not-so-subtly—that there is something wrong with us. While it would be great to simply choose not to be affected by it, sadly humans don't work that way. Nillin's book is a clear, compassionate, deeply researched and pragmatic guide to unpacking this internalized queerphobia and transphobia—baggage that we never wanted but that society forced on us. I recommend it to any queer or trans human who is trying to grapple with the messy business of loving themselves in a world that doesn't make it easy.”—Amy Norton, sex and relationships writer

“The validation LGBTQ+ people need. Carry On is a warm hug from someone who knows how important hugs can be, advice for navigating a hostile world, and a story of perseverance. Lore sees the future beyond the struggle and shows it to us.”—Alyssa Gonzalez, author of Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity

“Carry On cuts through the noise and speaks directly to the wounds we hide while offering a clear path forward. This guide explores the roots of internalized queerphobia and transphobia and gives readers the tools to tear them out. Anyone ready to confront the stories that have held them back will find their lives changed by these pages.”—Sandy Lowe, author and editor

“A valuable guide for breaking down social pressures and expectations, laying out specific transphobic and queerphobic beliefs in plain language and exposing the underlying fear. Lore does not shy away from the sticky business of how harmful actions can also come from within our own LGBTQ+ community.”—Tamara Pincus, social worker and author of It’s Called Polyamory

“Carry On invites each of us—regardless of identity—to embrace who we are and widen our circle of empathy beyond the limits of ourselves. For us cishet readers, Nillin Lore offers an intimate window into the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of people we might unknowingly overlook or exclude.”—Ryan Cho, author of Brotherhood is a Constant Possibility: Asian Masculinity in a World Made for Whiteness

Foreword

Acknowledgements

Chapter One: Tainted Love: An Introduction to Internalization

How to Use This Book

How Internalization Works

Choice Theory

The Iceberg Model

Your Own Principled Approach

Chapter Two: Under Pressure: A Look at Oppressive Social Systems

Small Town Transphobia

All The Little Things

Big-City Queer Problems

Queerphobia in All Its Forms

Cisnormativity, Heteronormativity and Amatonormativity in Action

Sexual Shame, Body Negativity and Fetishization
Disability, Neurodivergence and Ableism

Racism and Queerness

Don’t Let Your Light Go Out

How to Stop Internalization Before It Happens

Practical Ways to Make Your Perspective and Environment More Queer and Trans Affirming

Your Life Well Lived

Chapter Three: Product of My Own Design: The Ins and Outs of the Closet

Life on Hold

Closets: Where the Queers Go to Hide

Oh My God

Love Lost

The Cost of Living

What Else Keeps People Closeted

The Hard Questions

Why We Came Out

Guidance, Encouragement and Words of Wisdom from Some of Your Peers

Chapter Four: I Wanna Dance with Somebody: Finding Your Way Back to Community

What Finding Community Might Look Like

Don’t Fear the Queer

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Harder

If You Build It, They Will Come

Finding and Easing into the Larger Queer Community at Your Own Pace

Embracing Our Histories

Chapter Five: Dig Me Out: Challenging and Overcoming Lateral Violence 

Racism in Queer Spaces 

Queerphobia and Transphobia in Personal Relationships 

Scapegoating for the “Greater Good” 

Recognizing and Avoiding Gatekeeping 

The Gender Binary and Passing Pressure 

Tone Policing in Queer Advocacy and Activism 

Not “Rocking the Boat” 

Choosing Compassion 

Chapter Six: Talk to Me: Setting Your Personal Boundaries and Nonnegotiables 

Figuring Out Your Needs 

Consequences and Follow-Through 

Compromising and Negotiating in Good Faith 

Nonnegotiables 

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Minds

Chapter Seven: Queen of the Rodeo: Self- Advocacy as a Marginalized Queer 

There’s Always a Bigger Boss 

Developing a Personal Support System 

Your Voice and Intentions as an Advocate

Chapter Eight: True Colours: Queer Affirmations and Stories of Joy 

Five Affirmations to Help You Unpack 

Celebrations of the Self 

Tell Your Own Story

Endnotes 

Glossary 

Further Reading 

Resources 

Index