Family & Relationships

Although single fathers as primary carers are on the rise, most single-parent households in the United States are headed by women. These women are a lucrative market for parenting books and most of such books are aimed at single mothers raising sons. This intersectional study analyses a broad range of material: books written by female and male authors, African-American and white, health professionals as well as lay people, outspokenly feminist or traditionally conservative, addressing a middle-class or a working-class readership. This allows for a comprehensive analysis of normative attitudes towards parenting, showing how class and ethnicity interact with traditional assumptions of gender and biology to produce a genre of literature that is quite restrictive, perpetuating ideas of ‘intensive mothering’.

Situating these advice books within the context of parenting experts, the US fatherhood movement, the so-called ‘boy crisis’, cultural prejudice towards single mothers and what has been termed ‘neurosexism’ and ‘neuroparenting’, this study analyses the way in which the books draw on mother-blame language, misconceptions of neuropsychological research and traditional conceptualisations of masculinity and femininity to convince the mother readers that they are unable to raise a son to be a man. Using prescriptive and often alarmist language, the authors privilege traditional assumptions of gender, hegemonic masculinity and heteronormative family structures over single parent families, same-sex parenting and single mothers by choice (via adoption or ART). In doing so, the books afford very narrow parenting roles, for fathers as well as mothers, as well as a very limited range of masculine identities for young boys. Presented as common sense advice, these books are widely read by women seeking support and it is thus vital that they be interrogated for the way they continue to construct, shape and influence expectations on parenting, as well as the identities of young boys.

In making love, one is elevated beyond the carnal desires it satisfies. For the religious, it is Divine; for those who are not religiously inclined, it is still a spiritual experience, one of seamless solidarity, a unity of two as one that defies mere orgasmic stimulation. You don’t have to make love to have sex. Even strangers can be sexually attracted and have an orgasmic escapade. But in the act of making love, there is symbolic meaning that is felt through-and-through the sex act. Two in love are joined, in life, and the sexual expression of this unison is deeply felt in the sex act itself. This is sexual intimacy, the making of love, the likes of which is rarely, if ever, seen outside a loving relationship. There is no escape from the philosophical dimensions of such a loving relationship. It is as abstract as it is concrete in the ideals that ground it. There is a mystery about it, a kind of transcendent experience that defies translation into words. Making and being in love are thus joined at the hip. Loving relationships make the bed in which true lovers sleep.
Unfortunately, many relationships flounder or never get off the ground. Just having sex may ease the tension, but it then becomes a means, not truly an end-in-itself. The moment the sex act ends, the couple may retreat and fall into discord. It is an oasis in a barren desert that provides temporary relief, a titillating, temporary escape from reality. This book can help you to overcome the obstacles, the unlovable habits that encumber your relationship, both inside and outside the bedroom. It can help to create the harmonic balance between your sex life and other aspects of your personal and interpersonal relationships, which are preludes to making and being in love.
To accomplish this, it applies a five-step method based on Logic-Based Therapy & Consultation (LBTC), a popular form of evidence-based, philosophical counseling modality. First, it introduces you to six types of unlovable ways of thinking and acting and helps you to identify the ones that may be sabotaging your own relationship. Second, it shows you how to counter these self-defeating habits with certain lovable goals (“virtues of love”). Third, it helps you to identify and embrace a personal “love philosophy” that empowers you to reach for your lovable goals. Fourth, it provides core philosophical ideas that are key to any successful quest for romantic love. Fifth, it helps you construct a behavioral plan that applies your philosophies to making constructive changes in your relationship. The latter may require making changes both inside and outside your relationship. Thus, this book also shows you how the problems you are having in one area of your life (at work, in your social life, etc.) can affect the quality of your relationship, inside and outside the bedroom, and it offers guidance, including self-improvement exercises, to overcome these impediments and attain enduring love and sexual intimacy.

The central theme of Sexual Bargaining in the Digital Era is the ongoing (historic and present) struggle between the theocratically oriented Old Lights who insist on using the law to continue to impose the Old Normal (ON) on all other citizens—including the New Lights. The latter are progressives, feminists and others who advocate the notion that there is a social and economic “fit” between the New Normal (NN) and the emerging Digital Era. New Lights also argue that NN is exceedingly more beneficial for less advantaged persons (including those of color) than is ON. 

The Old Lights argue from a traditional religious standpoint. To help impose their theocratic view of the Family, they have recently joined forces with the extreme right-wing elements of the Republican party. That union of reactionary religion with reactionary politics is particularly detrimental to the well-being of less-advantaged persons.

The book also describes public policies and programs advocated by New Lights which are aimed at benefiting less-advantaged persons in particular (though not exclusively). Included are “Ideation Centers.” That is the contemporary label replacing the traditional label of “school.” Traditional schools were linked with the Industrial Age, but now tend to falter when it comes to preparing children/youth (especially less-advantaged) for the Digital Era.

Ideation centers are publicly funded sites whose central objective is to coach students in what some economists describe as ideation skills/capabilities—critical/creative thinking, negotiation and problem solving. Those are the very skills necessary to do well in the Digital Era and thus it is essential that less-advantaged children/youth have ready access to the centers. Those skills are also required to negotiate primary relationships (PR) effectively. Hence, ideation centers fulfil vital functions for both the public/economic/work world, and also for the personal world of PR.

Furthermore, in order to do well in the Digital Era women must be what the book calls “autonomous.” Indeed, the notion of growing numbers of women becoming autonomous is pivotal to the whole idea of NN. An autonomous woman is, first of all, in control of, or sovereign over what Marx/Engels called the “means of production.” Economic production refers to the kinds of educational and occupational experiences which enable her, among other things, to be economically independent (able to support herself and any dependants)—apart from a partner if need be.

Alongside production is reproduction. The autonomous woman controls not only the economic sphere of her life but also the sexual/reproductive sphere. The two spheres reinforce one another—control in one sphere enhances control over the other: Women who control their sexual/reproductive sphere are better able to control their economic sphere and vice versa. Needless to say, control over reproduction requires ready access to the most effective methods of contraception and access to safe abortion. For less-advantaged women, the costs of either or both would be borne by the state. 

During World War II and the Greek Civil War, there was a systemic movement to drain Greece of its infants, babies and children for adoption outside the country. It was a phenomenon further instigated by poverty, and dependence upon other powerful forces, both external and internal. “The total number of Greek war orphans (who had lost one or both parents) was estimated to be 340,000 to 375,000 and by 1950, one out of eight children was orphaned,” according to the Greek Ministry of Social Welfare. Greece had become “a nation of orphans,” and between 1948 through 1962, “had the highest annual per capita adoption ratio in the world.” 

Some adoptions of that time were simple, legal adoptions and private. Others were expensive and complicated. Many were illegal and others had criminal overtones. A profit motive had been created to move babies and children from one place to another in the country and also far beyond Greek borders, internationally. But the issue was more importantly that of human rights. “Birth mothers and adoptive families were routinely deceived in this transnational scene of baby brokering, which left children without protection.” Documents were “concocted” in some cases and, in others, “forged. Some babies were stolen from their birth mothers. Some babies were “re-registered as foundlings and some parents were told their baby had died, but were not shown a body or a death certificate.” Further, “numerous mothers of children born out of wedlock were being denied any meaningful consent in the adoption proceedings.”

This book will reflect this time in Greek history through a collection of essays from these children, now adults, known as the “lost children of Greece.” Many of their stories were harrowing, some fantastic, and have affected and influenced the lives of these individuals for years. Their essays will reflect the times, but will also describe the feelings, experiences, and thoughts about being adopted in such turbulent times, and will chronicle the searches for their biological relatives, in most cases, after their adoptive parents have died. Much has been written about the history of these times, which briefly mentions or refers to the children, but little to none has come from the children themselves. That is this book.